Thanks for the post- someone pointed me to it. I’m AMI Montessori trained at the 3-6 level, have worked in Montessori for 25 yrs and still have a question about your post:
I understand why the “connection” works, what I don’t see in what you wrote is the “correction” piece- I didn’t read that once things settled down you said a few words about what had gone on… it all worked out, but my sense or worry would be that the msg received is “who can actually do what you want and you’ll be loved and played with anyway”…. surely not what we want.
Thanks for your response. I think as a parent of toddlers, day in and day out, I’m setting limits and ‘correcting.’ And when I’m at that point I was describing with my toddler, where they know they’re not supposed to be doing something and you’re just getting angrier and louder etc. it just stops accomplishing anything. I wanted to point out an alternative to those moments when it has escalated to that point – to stop and try ‘connecting’ first. I definitely believe in setting limits (and do so) but sometimes I personally get immersed in setting limits only. But being able to connect, play, hug really releases the stress of those moments for everyone and I find it can accomplish more. As you said, it would be helpful to talk about it afterwards and we often do, like in this post: https://montessorionthedouble.com/2013/01/30/what-its-really-like-to-have-toddler-twins/ Thanks!
星期一, 8月 26th, 2013 1:15 pm | Stephanie Woo
Thank you so much for this post. Today with no school or summer camp this week (both my 3 1/2 year daughter and almost 5 son are in Montessori), I had one of those days today and lost it few times – not my best moments. I completely get it. It’s when we first connect and see what it is the child needs in that moment their undesirable behavior shifts.
I also see what the previous post of Mark, the Montessori teacher, was making. I definitely see that when the child is calmed down a conversation is needed. I think I would have said that we don’t throw water because it is dangerous, people can slip and it makes a mess. Out comes the towel and a kind request to please clean the water off the floor. Being in Montessori, my children are very happy to always help and clean things up (and most of the time) even their messes they make on purpose. What a timely post. Thank you again!
星期四, 8月 29th, 2013 2:12 am | Dana
Dana, I totally agree with you. Having that conversation you suggested is needed, for sure.
星期六, 10月 25th, 2014 6:08 pm | Stephanie Woo
hey i see the connecting part, but does it look like you are distracting your kids to do something else. can you teach me how can you differenitate it? i feel like at times you have to set limits and cant distract your kids to stop their bad behavior. your thoughts? thanks!
星期五, 10月 17th, 2014 12:21 am | jessica
Hi Jessica, I totally know what you mean, but this is what I’ve learned: When they ‘misbehave,’ and you react to the bad behavior, then they start reacting to your reaction, and then the reptilian brain of the child comes out. At that point, everyone is having a reaction and no one will win. What you want is to engage your child’s higher brain, so they can learn not to do certain things, to think logically about their actions, to understand consequence, etc. But that takes time to develop. If you are constantly embroiled in a struggle with them, you’re really not getting anywhere but strong-arming them into submitting. You’re not teaching their higher-brain anything. Instead, if each time you connect with them, redirect the behavior, etc. When you do that enough times, they eventually get the pattern. I really recommend this great book that describes this process much more eloquently than I have, written by these an MD and a PhD: No Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos
This is so true. I find it helps me to relax when I’m worked up about the issue too.
Thanks for the post- someone pointed me to it. I’m AMI Montessori trained at the 3-6 level, have worked in Montessori for 25 yrs and still have a question about your post:
I understand why the “connection” works, what I don’t see in what you wrote is the “correction” piece- I didn’t read that once things settled down you said a few words about what had gone on… it all worked out, but my sense or worry would be that the msg received is “who can actually do what you want and you’ll be loved and played with anyway”…. surely not what we want.
And so-?
Thanks,
Mark
Hi Mark,
Thanks for your response. I think as a parent of toddlers, day in and day out, I’m setting limits and ‘correcting.’ And when I’m at that point I was describing with my toddler, where they know they’re not supposed to be doing something and you’re just getting angrier and louder etc. it just stops accomplishing anything. I wanted to point out an alternative to those moments when it has escalated to that point – to stop and try ‘connecting’ first. I definitely believe in setting limits (and do so) but sometimes I personally get immersed in setting limits only. But being able to connect, play, hug really releases the stress of those moments for everyone and I find it can accomplish more. As you said, it would be helpful to talk about it afterwards and we often do, like in this post: https://montessorionthedouble.com/2013/01/30/what-its-really-like-to-have-toddler-twins/ Thanks!
Thank you so much for this post. Today with no school or summer camp this week (both my 3 1/2 year daughter and almost 5 son are in Montessori), I had one of those days today and lost it few times – not my best moments. I completely get it. It’s when we first connect and see what it is the child needs in that moment their undesirable behavior shifts.
I also see what the previous post of Mark, the Montessori teacher, was making. I definitely see that when the child is calmed down a conversation is needed. I think I would have said that we don’t throw water because it is dangerous, people can slip and it makes a mess. Out comes the towel and a kind request to please clean the water off the floor. Being in Montessori, my children are very happy to always help and clean things up (and most of the time) even their messes they make on purpose. What a timely post. Thank you again!
Dana, I totally agree with you. Having that conversation you suggested is needed, for sure.
hey i see the connecting part, but does it look like you are distracting your kids to do something else. can you teach me how can you differenitate it? i feel like at times you have to set limits and cant distract your kids to stop their bad behavior. your thoughts? thanks!
Hi Jessica, I totally know what you mean, but this is what I’ve learned: When they ‘misbehave,’ and you react to the bad behavior, then they start reacting to your reaction, and then the reptilian brain of the child comes out. At that point, everyone is having a reaction and no one will win. What you want is to engage your child’s higher brain, so they can learn not to do certain things, to think logically about their actions, to understand consequence, etc. But that takes time to develop. If you are constantly embroiled in a struggle with them, you’re really not getting anywhere but strong-arming them into submitting. You’re not teaching their higher-brain anything. Instead, if each time you connect with them, redirect the behavior, etc. When you do that enough times, they eventually get the pattern. I really recommend this great book that describes this process much more eloquently than I have, written by these an MD and a PhD: No Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos