I have run into the same problem with one of my twins who will be 4 in December. She always wants to do her own thing, never wants to clean up, and seems to enjoy battling about everything. The other night, she wouldn’t put her pajamas on – she kept playing in the hallway, running into other people’s rooms, and overall not doing what we do EVERY NIGHT! After almost 10 minutes I told her that she had 2 more minutes until I started reading stories and she needed pajamas on if she was going to hear them. She said ok, but didn’t stop playing around, so I started reading to her twin sister who was ready. This made my playing around twin go crazy! She came running into the room, screaming and tantruming about how she didn’t want to miss the story, wait for her, start it over, etc. Keep in mind, this is a story they have heard at least 2 dozen times before, so it’s not like she was really missing anything. I told her to hurry and get her pajamas on so she could join us, but she wouldn’t leave the room and kept screaming, to the point where I couldn’t even hear myself reading. So my husband came in and took her (kicking and screaming) to her room to help her, but she didn’t want any help (typical). She ended up missing the entire story (which was about 10 minutes long) because she was freaking out so much.
This is typical behavior for her, and it is exhausting. We offer to help, we give her small choices, we remind her of consequences, but she regularly doesn’t comply. Some days she doesn’t want to buckle her seat belt, so we sit in the car (if we’re not running late to an appointment) for 10 or 15 minutes until she’s done acting up and can buckle. She’s reminded that she’s missing playtime, but it just doesn’t seem to make an impact. I really feel like she’s “that kid” that the teachers and coaches (swim and gymnastics) dread to see arrive, because she acts this way for everyone. As her mom, I hate that she misses out on things – she had to miss the last 10 minutes of gymnastics last weekend because she couldn’t stay with her group. She’s been sat out of her circle at preschool when she is disruptive and at the open house where the kids show the parents what they do with some of the Montessori materials, she couldn’t find most of them because she hadn’t been a part of things when the teachers reviewed everything earlier in the day. She’s been taken out of the pool during swim lessons because she doesn’t follow directions like keeping her head above water to listen to the coach.
I want to help her, but I feel at a loss. I’ve asked her teacher if we should be looking into something (ADHD? Something else?), but they don’t seem to think so. Can you offer any advice for my emotional, dramatic girl??
星期二, 十月 28th, 2014 2:19 pm | abby
What does she like to do? I mean, what is something she can do for hours. My advice is you must help her find her work. A solitary piece of work that requires precision, concentration, is done with the hands, preferably something that helps take care of herself or the environment. It depends on what she likes to do and what she’s interested in. It can’t be something that an adult has to help her with, it must be something that she can concentrate and do by herself. Preferably something repetitive, like washing dishes, mopping the floor, sweeping, cleaning the table, vacuuming, etc. My Brooke is totally like what you’re describing, but whenever she is able to settle down and concentrate on something, her whole demeanor changes for days.
星期三, 十月 29th, 2014 1:38 pm | Stephanie Woo
Abby, I also want to add that with a child like this, you really need an immense amount of patience. I know. I’m living it. I feel like the more I punish or I’m stern, the less effective. But the more I help her out when she clearly need help, the easier she is. For example buckling up in the car or helping to get dressed. I think children when they get like this, they are so riled up, they just can’t settle back down easily to do things that they normally can do. That’s why finding her work is critical, something that brings the concentration back to her body and mind…
星期三, 十月 29th, 2014 1:49 pm | Stephanie Woo
Just read this article for the second time and want to say that how lucky of the twin to have you and mark as a parents. The parents that understand and work together to guild the children.
星期六, 二月 28th, 2015 7:34 am | Pat
Thank you so much… I have had many of these power struggles with my 2 year old and been at a complete and utter loss on how to handle it. Some days it has caused me to lose my patience, which I really don’t like. Your post has given me info and tips that will surely help 🙂
星期六, 三月 3rd, 2018 10:21 pm | Sam
Thank you so much for this. My wife and I have been at a loss as to how to handle our one twin 3 year old son. This helped tremendously.
星期日, 四月 8th, 2018 3:09 pm | Michael Echon
Yep. So right again. I found if I just avoided the power struggle with the twin that is resisting, (at age 2 anyway) they would come back to it in a few minutes and be ready to do it. I called it the round-about way to get them to cooperate. In America we have such a love of logical, linear ways — with toddlers, the roundabout way is much more effective. No punishment — just coming back to it and the “privileges” were waiting for them when they were finished. At age 4.5, we ask only once. 90% of the time they do it. As a result, I have never had to waste my time cleaning up their playroom at the end of the day.
星期二, 六月 12th, 2018 3:01 pm | Marta Y.
This is so helpful, thank you! I have an almost three year old and naturally gravitated toward respectful-style parenting, but don’t really have a method I follow and am looking for direction and guidance . This type of approach is exactly what I’m looking for! One question — how would you handle the situation if there was not story time coming up? That’s where I’m not sure what to do. Thank you!
I have run into the same problem with one of my twins who will be 4 in December. She always wants to do her own thing, never wants to clean up, and seems to enjoy battling about everything. The other night, she wouldn’t put her pajamas on – she kept playing in the hallway, running into other people’s rooms, and overall not doing what we do EVERY NIGHT! After almost 10 minutes I told her that she had 2 more minutes until I started reading stories and she needed pajamas on if she was going to hear them. She said ok, but didn’t stop playing around, so I started reading to her twin sister who was ready. This made my playing around twin go crazy! She came running into the room, screaming and tantruming about how she didn’t want to miss the story, wait for her, start it over, etc. Keep in mind, this is a story they have heard at least 2 dozen times before, so it’s not like she was really missing anything. I told her to hurry and get her pajamas on so she could join us, but she wouldn’t leave the room and kept screaming, to the point where I couldn’t even hear myself reading. So my husband came in and took her (kicking and screaming) to her room to help her, but she didn’t want any help (typical). She ended up missing the entire story (which was about 10 minutes long) because she was freaking out so much.
This is typical behavior for her, and it is exhausting. We offer to help, we give her small choices, we remind her of consequences, but she regularly doesn’t comply. Some days she doesn’t want to buckle her seat belt, so we sit in the car (if we’re not running late to an appointment) for 10 or 15 minutes until she’s done acting up and can buckle. She’s reminded that she’s missing playtime, but it just doesn’t seem to make an impact. I really feel like she’s “that kid” that the teachers and coaches (swim and gymnastics) dread to see arrive, because she acts this way for everyone. As her mom, I hate that she misses out on things – she had to miss the last 10 minutes of gymnastics last weekend because she couldn’t stay with her group. She’s been sat out of her circle at preschool when she is disruptive and at the open house where the kids show the parents what they do with some of the Montessori materials, she couldn’t find most of them because she hadn’t been a part of things when the teachers reviewed everything earlier in the day. She’s been taken out of the pool during swim lessons because she doesn’t follow directions like keeping her head above water to listen to the coach.
I want to help her, but I feel at a loss. I’ve asked her teacher if we should be looking into something (ADHD? Something else?), but they don’t seem to think so. Can you offer any advice for my emotional, dramatic girl??
What does she like to do? I mean, what is something she can do for hours. My advice is you must help her find her work. A solitary piece of work that requires precision, concentration, is done with the hands, preferably something that helps take care of herself or the environment. It depends on what she likes to do and what she’s interested in. It can’t be something that an adult has to help her with, it must be something that she can concentrate and do by herself. Preferably something repetitive, like washing dishes, mopping the floor, sweeping, cleaning the table, vacuuming, etc. My Brooke is totally like what you’re describing, but whenever she is able to settle down and concentrate on something, her whole demeanor changes for days.
Abby, I also want to add that with a child like this, you really need an immense amount of patience. I know. I’m living it. I feel like the more I punish or I’m stern, the less effective. But the more I help her out when she clearly need help, the easier she is. For example buckling up in the car or helping to get dressed. I think children when they get like this, they are so riled up, they just can’t settle back down easily to do things that they normally can do. That’s why finding her work is critical, something that brings the concentration back to her body and mind…
Just read this article for the second time and want to say that how lucky of the twin to have you and mark as a parents. The parents that understand and work together to guild the children.
Thank you so much… I have had many of these power struggles with my 2 year old and been at a complete and utter loss on how to handle it. Some days it has caused me to lose my patience, which I really don’t like. Your post has given me info and tips that will surely help 🙂
Thank you so much for this. My wife and I have been at a loss as to how to handle our one twin 3 year old son. This helped tremendously.
Yep. So right again. I found if I just avoided the power struggle with the twin that is resisting, (at age 2 anyway) they would come back to it in a few minutes and be ready to do it. I called it the round-about way to get them to cooperate. In America we have such a love of logical, linear ways — with toddlers, the roundabout way is much more effective. No punishment — just coming back to it and the “privileges” were waiting for them when they were finished. At age 4.5, we ask only once. 90% of the time they do it. As a result, I have never had to waste my time cleaning up their playroom at the end of the day.
This is so helpful, thank you! I have an almost three year old and naturally gravitated toward respectful-style parenting, but don’t really have a method I follow and am looking for direction and guidance . This type of approach is exactly what I’m looking for! One question — how would you handle the situation if there was not story time coming up? That’s where I’m not sure what to do. Thank you!