B dancing in her swimsuit

Recently, I’ve been obsessively reading Montessori books. I came upon a whole chapter on discipline in The Discovery of the Child, which I loved.

“One of the greatest difficulties in securing discipline lies in the fact that it cannot be obtained simply with words,” Montessori writes. Okay, so that’s the bad news. You can’t make a child do something just by telling him to do it. 

She writes, “To tell a child: ‘Stand still like me!’ does not enlighten him. One cannot by a simple command put order into the complex psycho-muscular system of a still growing individual.” Most of us think that if children aren’t doing what we ask because they are disobeying us, when in fact, most of the time, they are simply UNABLE to follow our commands. Their body and mind has not come together in such a way to be able to do what we ask, so our job then is to help them achieve this before expecting them to obey our commands.

Montessori breaks down obedience into three stages. In the first stage, the child cannot obey you. This child, usually between 0-2.5, is obeying the voice inside himself, you can also call it his ‘inner directive’ (if you know a toddler, then you know what she means).  In the second stage, the child would like to obey and seems to understand your command and wishes to obey, but he cannot obey, or rather, he does not always succeed in obeying, even if he wants to. This stage starts from 2.5 and lasts till about 4.5-5 years old. In the third stage, the child has perfected his self-control and is able to do what you ask. This doesn’t mean he always will, but he is physically and emotionally capable of obeying. So before 5 years old, a child either cannot obey you or wants to but cannot do it well. 

How often do you yell at your 5-and-under because you think they’re being bad on purpose? 

So how do you help a child learn to obey? She continues to write, “The first glimmerings of discipline have their origin in work. At a certain moment a child becomes intensely interested in some task. This is shown by the expression on his face, his intense concentration, and his constancy in carrying out the same exercise. Such a child shows that he is on the way to becoming disciplined.”  

Through work, the child is learning to bring together his body and mind, and through this process, he will achieve many things – one of which is being able to follow your commands.

So what can you do to help your child get here faster? 

First, you need to observe your children closely and see what they are interested in.  What do they like to do where they are not easily distracted? What tasks do they do with concentration and interest? Maybe they’re walking on that thin ledge on the sidewalk over and over. Maybe they’ve used up half the bottle of soap and still haven’t finished washing their hands. Maybe they’re putting on and taking off certain items of clothing over and over. Maybe they’re putting everything in their mouth and exploring. Well, until you’ve let them do those things over and over till they feel satisfied, getting them to do what you want them to do will be a struggle for you and them. 

The hardest part of this whole thing is not letting your own judgments get in the way. Maybe you don’t think their interest is worthy, maybe it’s very inconvenient for you to let them, maybe you have other concerns that tell you not to let them do those things. 

For example, it’s fall here in the Pacific NW and it is cold. But during this boots and jacket weather, Brooke (2 years 10 months old) spends more time putting on swimsuits than anything else. And it happens at the most inconvenient time. Like first thing in the morning when we are trying to get everyone out of the house by 730am. I’ve had to manhandle her out of her swimsuit into regular school clothes, with screams and tears, of course. She’s not interested in puzzles, learning her letters, painting or any of the myriad other activities I have out for her. No, she just wants to put on swimsuits – first the pink one, then the blue one, then the neon yellow one. And then all three, one on top of the other. It’s amazing how much time and concentration she spends on doing this everyday. 

So this is what I decided to do. 

On our work shelf, I created an activity called ‘going swimming.’ It includes everything you would need to go swimming, from swimsuits, t-shirts, shorts, flip flops, sunglasses, towels to tote bag. This is by far her favorite activity and four days later of almost nothing but changing into and out of swimsuits, there’s much less struggle getting ready in the mornings now. She even says to M, “We can’t put on swimsuits now because it’s for after school.” So much can get in the way in the mornings, but I’m happy swimsuits is no longer one of those things. 

What’s the bigger lesson in all of this? Trust your children. Follow their lead. Life will be so much easier.  

** Register for Stephanie’s next Toddler Course: Real Life Tools To Parent Your 1-Year-Old and 2-Year-Old With Ease! Find out more here. 

B rinsing a scrub brush with a garden hose

The young child has a brain different from ours – like, totally different. And yes, it’s scientifically-proven. 

Here’s an example: if given the right environment, children can learn 4 languages simultaneously, and understand all of them by the time he’s 3.  

Because we have different brains, we learn differently. Children absorb everything in their environment – effortlessly, easily, unconsciously. We, unfortunately, don’t learn that way.

One brain is not better than the other. But, as you can see, we are totally different. Here’s another example:

Children are sensorial learners. That means they learn through their senses. A child who rips a book is fascinated by the feeling of paper ripping and crumbling in his hands. A child puts his fingers in his drinking cup and swirls it around because he’s experimenting with water. A child making a mess at meals is because he’s learning how to eat. 

Now, from our point of view, as the parent who has to tape up the book, wipe up the water and clean up the mess (along with the six zillion other things we have to do as a parent), it could look like he’s screwing around, doing it on purpose, or maybe, he’s spoiled and ‘bad.‘ With our logical, rational adult minds, we make these kinds of assumptions. 

So there’s the child’s brain – and then there’s the adult brain. Two totally different brains, trying to co-exist.

Because the adult is bigger, Mom and Dad can dominate the child and physically remove him from anything they don’t want him doing. But the child! The child is driven to learn. In fact, that internal force is so strong, deep and instinctual, his whole existence depends on it. Therefore, just so you know, the next chance he gets, he’ll probably do it again. 

So we essentially have two choices. We can overpower the nature of the child (and watch those wrinkles and gray hair proliferate) OR we can align ourselves with it. 

Here’s what happened to me a while back. So it’s bathtime. B and M are playing in the tub with their various water containers, pouring water from one container to another. Well, someone came up with the bright idea of pouring water outside of the bathtub and onto the floor. The first time this happened, my husband came in yelling, “No water outside the bathtub!” then grabbed both of them out of the bath and ‘made them’ clean it up (except with two-year-olds, they love to clean and eagerly fetched the towels to clean – so it wasn’t the punishment Mark had in mind). Of course that didn’t stop them the next day (and the next), when we again, promptly took them out of the bath, shook our fingers at them and raised our voices to teach them a lesson. 

Until I realized this: they love water. They love pouring water. Trying to stop them is like trying to stop a seed from growing or the sun from coming out in the morning. 

So I decided to align myself with Nature instead. 

The next day, while the girls were in the bath, I took out a large empty garbage can and put it next to the bathtub. I told them, “If you want to pour water, you can pour it into the garbage can. See if you can do it without spilling any on the floor!” 

It worked. They immediately filled up that big garbage can with cups of bath water. Carefully, too. I then dumped out the water in the toilet. And then they proceeded to fill it up again. Before they were halfway through the second round, they had already lost interest and started playing with their sea animals.  

Children will want to play with water all the time. They will drip, dribble, grab and smear while eating. They will want to touch everything. They will run around and climb on everything. They will sing and talk loudly, even when it’s inappropriate. That is their Nature. You can come down on them, punish them, manipulate them, distract them (and I’ll admit, there are a few moments when you might need to do these things). But consider working with Nature, at least most of the time. Find creative ways for them to get their needs met. They are going to follow their nature, whether you like it or not. So find a way so they CAN do the things they want to do: let them walk around freely in a new environment and touch things (they are capable of learning how to stay away from danger and handle fragile things), give them something they can climb on in the house, give them stacks of paper to rip, let them play with water that extra 20 minutes at the sprinklers/sink/bathtub, etc. 

When you hear yourself saying, “No!” or “Don’t do that!” mostly, I suspect, it’s because you’re not aligned with the Nature of the child. So whatever you’ve got to do, figure out a way to align yourselves, my friends. It’s your path to peace and sanity.

**To read a free excerpt of my new book, Raising Your Twins: Real Life Tips to Parenting with Ease (Without Kicking Your Spouse to the Curb), click here and download it to your Kindle or to your computer. Look for the “Try It Free” box!

A lot of people have been asking me questions about the difference between my book, Raising Your Twins: Real Life Tips on Parenting with Ease (Without Kicking Your Spouse to the Curb) and my DVD, Raising Your Twins: Real Life Tips on Setting Up the Ultimate Home Environment. Here are the answers to some commonly-asked questions.

Does the Raising Your Twins DVD contain the same content as the Raising Your Twins book? 

No, the book and the DVD cover different ages, so they have different content. The book covers newborn to 18 months. The DVD covers ages 1 to 4 years old. 

I only have one child, will this work for me or is it only for parents with twins? 

Don’t let the title fool you! Everything in the book and DVD will work for you whether you have one child, two young children close in age OR multiples. If it works for two children, it will work for one! 

Does the DVD contain similar content as your Youtube vidoes? 

The DVD is much more comprehensive. It was shot over 3 days with a professional videographer. With over 30 hours of footage edited down to 2 hours, only the best footage made it to the DVD. You’ve seen B and M put on jackets and make scrambled eggs on Youtube, but in the DVD, you will learn exactly how to replicate it at home with your child, including what you need to buy and prepare, how to present the activities, and the whole ‘why’ and ‘how’ behind every activity. The DVD covers everything from language, fine motor skills, care-of-the-self, care-of-the-environment to kitchen skills. If you are able to apply everything in the DVD, you will have an excellent Montessori home environment. 

How old were your children when you filmed this? How many episodes are they in?

This DVD was filmed over 3 days on their 2nd birthday. You will see them in action in Episodes 2 through 8.

What can I get out of this DVD? 

This DVD contains an incredible amount of valuable content. In this 121-minute, 8-episode series, you will learn how to set up every single room of the home as well as how to set up and do 24+ Montessori-based activities with your children. You will hear me talk about the big picture behind your child’s development, see actual children doing the work and receive a detailed instruction booklet, complete with pictures and resources. This DVD is essential for parents who want to raise a child the Montessori Way at home. It’s for the home-schooling parents, the parents who can’t find a good Montessori school nearby or can’t afford one, the parents who want to prepare their child for Montessori in the future or for parents who just want to try it out.  

On top of all this, you will get a complimentary 30-minute consultation with me, if you choose. This DVD is originally priced at $147, but is currently on sale for a limited time for $97. I can guarantee you will not find this much valuable content for this price anywhere else. 

I’m a nanny. Will this be helpful for me? 

Absolutely. There are many activities you can do with the child you take care of. The Back to Basics and Language episodes will be particularly useful for the child under 18 months. By 18 months, all the episodes will be applicable. If you don’t have a background in child development, there will be lots of helpful information for you. If you do have a background in child development, you will get lots of ideas for new activities.

What’s in each episode, exactly?

In Episode 1, I give you a tour of my Baltimore home and show you the most important components to consider for your child when designing each room in your home. Includes the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, play area, dressing area and cleaning area.

In Episode 2, I show you several easy, basic activities for the youngest toddler. I guarantee your child will LOVE at least a couple if not all of them. AND they are essential building blocks for good gross and fine motor skill development.

In Episode 3, I show you how to teach your child to put on different items of clothing and accessories. Includes detailed description of what to look for when you’re shopping for clothes. B and M demonstrates how it’s done. 

In Episode 4, I show you some activities that parents automatically do for their children. Teach your children to do these things and your life will get so much easier.  

In Episode 5, I show you some essential fine motor skills, including how to teach your child to cut with scissors, glue and sew with a needle. The goal is not to prove how capable your child is. The goal is to engage your child in activities they enjoy. And they will love some of these. 

In Episode 6, I give you strategies on how to maximize your child’s language ability. What will bring out the best language skills? What can you do to make that happen? What activities will enhance those abilities? What are the best books to read? How do you read to a child? Find out the answers and way more in this episode.  

In Episodes 7 and 8, I show you what you need to prepare to teach your children to bake and cook successfully. Watch B and M cook four healthy, delicious recipes your child will love to make (and eat!)

Where can I buy the book and DVD?

The book and DVD are both available through www.RaisingYourTwins.com. The kindle version of the book is also available through Amazon here.

Do you ship internationally?

Yes, we do. You will have the option of entering an international address at check-out.

What forms of payment do you accept?

When you order through www.RaisingYourTwins.com, you can use Visa, Mastercard or American Express. If you would like to pay by check, please email me directly at stephanie@montessorionthedouble.com

When can I expect my order?

We ship out new orders everyday (except Sunday) from Portland, OR through USPS. If you are on the West Coast, your order will arrive sooner than the East Coast. USPS guarantees your order will arrive within 7-10 business days.

What if I don’t love it? 

If you are dissatisfied with the book or the DVD for any reason, return it and you will receive a refund, no questions asked. 

How can I order now?

Visit www.RaisingYourTwins.com and you will be able to order the book, DVD or both!