Recently, I took some photos of B and M sliding, dangling, climbing and swinging on the playground and in the forest. How is a child’s consciousness shaped by playing on man-made swings and slides VERSUS dangling on living trees and sliding down dirt slopes in a forest? 

I can’t put my finger on it, but it really does feel very different, doesn’t it? For one, nature is continuously changing. The slopes gets muddy after a rainstorm. The tree branches will bend and give when you climb on it. For me, having that connection to earth, trees and nature expands our consciousness in a way that metal and plastic play structures don’t do. What differences do you see?

Sliding down a slide vs. sliding down a particularly steep slope in the forest

Dangling on monkey bars vs. a dangling on a tree

Climbing on a metal play structure vs. climbing a tree

Swinging at the park vs. bobbing up and down on limber tree branches

Dr. Montessori says, “Follow the child.” I adhere strictly to this point of view. Except when it comes to my children staying warm. 

I feel my children are always cold. All the overdressed Asian children on the playground hint at perhaps it’s an Asian thing. As soon as the temperature drops below 72, I want to see everyone in socks and an extra layer. It’s not uncommon to see me tackling my children and forcing them to put on a jacket OR threatening them in numerous ways if they don’t put on their socks. I’ve lost my temper more than once with my nanny or husband as I yell, “The children’s hands are freezing!” Getting dressed in the morning has devolved into something that I do to the children. I know they can dress themselves, I have videos of them doing it that you’ve seen, but for some reason, they just won’t do it anymore. Recently, there is more struggle in our house over putting on clothes than anything else. 

Two days ago, my friend Brenda and her five-year-old daughter, Gerren, came to stay with us. We were all getting ready to go out when I saw Gerren walk outside only to come back in. She said, “It’s cold outside. I’m going to put on my coat.” Speechless, I looked at Brenda, who explained that she has never forced Gerren to put on a coat. “She knows when she’s hot or cold,” Brenda said matter-of-factly. 

I then called my cousin, Daisy, for advice. She said three words: “Trust. Your. Children.”

I was ready for a change. I told my husband and nanny that from now on, we would ask the children one time in the morning (which is when the house at its coldest) if they wanted to put on warmer clothes, if they say no, we would not force them. And before going out, we would not dress any of the children for them. If someone was not dressed by the time we were ready to go out to play, then an adult would stay home with that child. I then explained all of this to the children, who looked at me and nodded. 

The next morning, while I hung out in my cashmere sweater and wool socks, Mackenzie decided that she wanted to be naked. This lasted for three hours. Brooke wore one thin layer the entire day. I kept my promise and said nothing. Before we went out, I said to them very calmly, “Mama is going to get ready right now. After I’m done, I’m going to the park. If you want to come, then you need to change into these clothes. If you do not have your clothes on by the time I’m ready, you will stay home with Ayi (our nanny).” They got distracted a couple times, but with one quick reminder from me and another from their nanny, they proactively dressed themselves from head to toe. 

It turns out I was the one who needed to change. I was responsible for creating the power struggle because I thought I knew better. I was forcing them to put on clothes because I didn’t want them to get sick. I let go of those fears and trusted that they know best whether they are hot or cold. As I’m writing this one week later, we’ve had no struggle over clothing (and no one is sick). I’m still in shock over how smoothly things are going in this regard. 

If right now, you and your children are struggling over something, stop looking at what’s wrong with them. It is YOU that needs to do the changing. And when you do, so will they. 

For those of you with young children: Peace. Is. Possible.

 Climbing a big hill in Baltimore’s Federal Hill park (2 years old)

When Brooke was 11-months old, she loved climbing stairs. Twice a day, I would let her loose in the staircase of our four-story building and she never looked back till she was at the top. When Mackenzie was cruising at 12-months old, I would take her and her red wagon around a whole NYC block. When both of them started walking, we would go for long walks in the park without a stroller.  

Children are born to adapt. Mexican children can eat hot green pepper off the vine without feeling any pain. A Himalayan child is used to climbing big mountains. An African child can see and run long distances. 

Knowing this, I try to give my toddlers lots of active, physical experiences that push their bodies. I let them experience many different terrains and even try to make it hard for them. Big hills, 1-2 mile treks, difficult hikes – even our driveway is unusually steep, which means walking up and down everyday takes extra effort. 

I’m not trying to train Olympians here. I just gives them experiences and observe how they respond. Before they turned two, I took them up the big hill in the Federal Hill Park in Baltimore. They fell and slip so many times, but they never gave up. By the time we reached the top, I was completely out of breath and swore I would never do that again. But when we reached the bottom, all they wanted was to climb up again. And again. Who knew they would love conquering big hills so much? That steep climb quickly became part of our weekly routine. 

The other day, I told B and M, “Today, we are going to climb a mountain.” At the end of the 7-mile paved hike (they were in the stroller for part of it), I asked, “Did you enjoy climbing the mountain?” Brooke said, “Brooke didn’t climb mountain.” She then pointed to a really steep hill in the distance and say, “I want to climb that mountain!” Walking on a paved road did not qualify as mountain climbing to her! 

Toddlers have way more physical stamina than you can imagine. To them, the upward climb is the most interesting part of a walk and that interest keeps them going. So find terrains that challenge them. Make it hard for them. And start them as young as possible! You’d be surprised how far they can go. 

Trekking in the woods behind our house, which was overgrown and had no path before we arrived (2 years 4 months)

Walking on a stone path with big, uneven stones in Portland’s Japanese Garden (2 years 2 months)

Indoor wall climbing gym (2 years 2 months)

At the Park by Carlene Chess

My friend Annie is a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and new baby. She sounds tired even in her texts. The other day, I asked her, “Why don’t you ask your husband to get up to feed the baby?” She said, “He has to work in the morning.” I said, “So do you. And all he has to do at work is show up, and then he gets to take breaks, deal with reasonable adults all day and sit down to eat lunch. You don’t get to do any of those things. He should be the one getting up.”

Moms have the hardest job in the world. Hands down.

I used to think Mother’s Day was trite and overplayed. Now that I’m a Mom, I want to know how everybody is going to celebrate me on that day. You should, too. You deserve it.

I want to send a personal kudos to all you Mamas, Mummys and Moms on this special day. You are amazing. I also want to offer you a Mother’s Day gift. Sign up for my personal coaching packages anytime in the month of May and you will receive a 20% discount. Just think what it would be like to have a coach you can contact anytime for the next 1, 6 or 12 months. We will have as many scheduled calls as you need and you will have unlimited text and email access to me during our time together. I can help you create the best home environment for your children and answer all your questions (if I don’t have the answers, someone in my vast resource pool of Montessorians will). If you call to cry and complain a little, well, you wouldn’t be the first. We moms need all the support we can get.

So do it. Your children are growing fast! You need knowledge, resources and a plan of action even faster. Call me now to schedule your free 30-minute consultation. I look forward to working with you.

And, if you want another special Mother’s Day gift, send your spouse the link to this video and ask him to do this with the kids. Then serve it to you.

B and M are currently obsessed with Thomas the Train. During our move, we lost all but one red train. You know where this is going. One day, M has it, but B wants it.

I did my usual. I said, “Brooke, ask Mackenzie if you can have it after she is done.” She started repeating after me, but, well, B wanted it NOW. So it escalates into a snatching contest. B grabs it. M takes it back. Then B takes it again. M starts crying. I’m tempted to grab it out of B’s hands and say, “M had it first.” But I try not to forcefully take things out of anyone’s hands because that just invites copycat behavior from the children. 

So I pick up Brooke, put her in my lap and say, “Brooke, you need to sit here with me until you’re ready to give it back.” 

I say to both of them, “Mama doesn’t know what to do. Brooke wants it. Mackenzie wants it. But we only have one train. What should we do?”

M sort of stops crying for a second. They both look at me. B says, “Mama buy another one.” 

“Great idea!” I immediately add it to my mental checklist. Then I say, “Okay, but we only have one right now.  What else can we do?”

They’re both thinking – and quiet. I say, “What if we go make a Thomas out of clay?” 

Apparently that was a brilliant idea. M immediately goes to get the Playdoh. And then I say, “We can also draw a Thomas!” B goes to the chalkboard and starts drawing a round circular thing. My multi-talented friend Candice who was visiting us that evening – bless her heart – draws several Thomas the trains on the chalkboard and keep the kids entertained the rest of the evening.  

I could have played the judge and decided who gets Thomas and who will just have to learn to deal with it. I could have taken it away from both of them. But not only would I have to endure more crying, they’d always look to me to figure things out for them. Instead, I discovered a new principle: when children are thinking, they are not fighting. Instead of figuring it out for them, let them do the problem-solving. 

“She always trying to get her way. She’s just spoiled,” I hear so many parents say about their toddlers. Even my husband said it this morning about Brooke. 

We’re parked (illegally) on the side of the road because Mark forgot to buckle in Brooke. I’m kneeling on the front seat reaching back to buckle her in as quickly as I can. She starts whining, “Daddy.” She wants Mark to do it because he usually does. I say, “No, Mama is gonna do it.” She stops whining for a while. I buckle the bottom left buckle, she cries, “No, No!” I do it anyway because we need to get moving fast. She starts crying and struggling in her seat, trying to unbuckle the buckle. At the same time, I can see she’s trying to get her other arm under the right strap. With all that struggling and crying, Mark says impatiently, “She’s always trying to get her way.”

I know that isn’t why she’s crying. It was obvious that I wasn’t doing things in the order that she’s used to. First of all, Mark usually buckles her in and he buckles her in a certain way. I’m clearly not doing it that way. Order is critical to the young child, including the order in which you do something as well as the order of things within the environment. If the order is off or it isn’t what she’s used to, you can expect a tantrum. She’s not trying to annoy you, there simply is a need of hers that isn’t met. 

Just to give you an idea of what I mean. Every morning, I need to do these things to wake up: brush my teeth, wash my face, drink a cup of water, followed by a cup of light, sweet coffee. If I miss any of those things in that order, something feels wrong. And then my day is just a little bit off. Unless I’ve run out of sugar, half-and-half or coffee altogether. Then don’t even try to talk to me. Now, imagine you and I lived together, even if you don’t have those same needs, you’d most likely respect mine, right? To avoid my morning rage, you might even put my coffee on for me and gently coax me to drink it as quickly as possible! What about your toddler? They have an intense need for order, which you may or may not need. What do you do when they express their anger, frustration and disappointment because their need for order isn’t met? 

I decided to let Brooke show me what she needed. First, I unbuckled the bottom left buckle that I had forced on her. And then I waited to see what she would do. She slipped her right arm under the strap and buckled the cross buckle. Now that both arms are under the strap and the cross buckle done, she waited for me to buckle the bottom buckles, which I did. I got it right this time. She sat back, looked out the window and started singing ‘Itsy-Bitsy Spider.’ We drove off and heard nothing but singing from her the rest of the ride. She knew exactly what she wanted. If I hadn’t fulfilled that need, we would’ve heard crying the whole way home. Instead we had peace and quiet. 

A toddler needs order around her because she’s learning how the world works. Once she becomes a six-year old and internalized that order, she doesn’t need external order as much anymore. That’s why elementary school kids can be complete slobs and still be happy. People call the toddler years The Terrible Twos and Threes. That’s because toddlers are misunderstood. They have a need that you and I as adults no longer need and we can’t understand what’s the big deal. Well, it is for them. And if you’re looking to coexist peacefully with your little one, start watching carefully. Next time your toddler suddenly starts screaming, figure out what’s different from the way she’s used to. Is something not on the same shelf she’s used to? Is something not done is the sequence she’s used to? Is the day’s routine different than usual? If you can figure out the clue to this puzzle, your toddler – and you – will be much happier. And then you’ll see, the terrible twos doesn’t have to be so terrible. 

M and Dad are back from the mountains. First they have to mix the dirt they dug up from the mountains with store-bought organic soil to create the optimal soil mixture. M helps Dad cut open the package of store-bought soil with her Muji scissors.

M scoops in soil from the bag, while Dad dumps in dirt from the mountain. 

M crawls into the bucket to help mix the dirt and soil.

Dad dumps the soil mixture into the trough. M helps to smooth it out.

We’ve been collecting vegetable scraps for two days. They add it to the soil as worm food. It’s raining and M looks pooped in this picture, but trust me, in real life, she’s still going!

Dad adds the worms to the soil. Apparently, these red wrigglers help produce the best planting soil. We think we might even start a worm farm! Dad covers up the worms and food with another layer of soil. The worms need one week to do their magic before we start planting. 

The next day, we add more worms. Even B can’t resist getting involved – once you get past the ‘ewww’ factor, they are really fun. Even I’m hooked!

If you’re looking for a reason to plant with your children, consider these benefits:

1. Sensorial exploration (wet, cold soil and wriggly worms)
2. Gross motor skill development (treading wet mountainous soil while carrying a pail and shovel)
3. Fine motor skill development (cutting, scooping, mixing, spreading vegetable scraps, picking up small worms)
4. Appreciation for nature/cycle of life (composting, preparing the soil, planting)
5. Language development (‘gardening trough,’ ‘composting,’ ‘prepping the garden bed,’ ‘red wrigglers,’ ‘starter plants,’ ‘clay soil’ vs ‘sandy soil’ – even I had to learn these!)

But my favorite part of this whole process is watching how much effort M puts into it. She uses her whole body to dig, transfer, mix and pat. There’s nothing better than watching young children use maximum effort to engage in tasks they’re interested in. And after a few hours of work like this, M (who usually hates napping) is out like a light-bulb at nap time and stays asleep for THREE straight hours! 

More gardening posts to come!

I’m a city girl. As a child, I grew up in a condo building in Taipei. As an adult, for 20 years, I lived in New York City. So if you ever tried to talk to me about gardening, worms, dirt and nature in general, I would’ve tried to change the subject on you. 

Well, now that I live in Portland, I’ve decided to do “as the Romans.” Almost everyone here has a garden. If you are not composting, raising a worm farm and eating dinner out of your garden, then seriously, don’t you care about the environment?? 

So, after much research, discussion with seasoned locals and Youtube videos, we decided to give this ‘grow your own food’ a shot. 

First, we went to the famous Portland Nursery and bought a whole bunch of ‘starters,’ or baby plants. You just have to transplant them into your garden and they’ll grow into fruits and vegetables! I sat there envisioning a garden full of food I’d want to eat. We ended up settling on some strawberries, bok choy, spinach, carrots, scallions and napa cabbage. I really would have preferred some watermelons, figs, kiwi and chocolate cake, but apparently Mark thinks we should start with the basics. He’s soo conservative sometimes. 

Of course we decided to involve B and M (now 2 years, 4 months) in the process. And when I say ‘we,’ I mean my husband, Mark. I followed everyone around and took pictures. 

So before you plant, you need something to plant in. Mark decides to build our own gardening troughs. After a trip to Home Depot, he showed up with all these cedar planks and got to work. Whenever he builds things, he thinks of ways for the children to help. Here he is screwing in castor wheels and the girls are helping fetch the screw and lining them up in the hole.

B lines up the screw

B holds the screw in place

Dad uses an electric drill to screw in the screws

The finished gardening trough!

Next, we put on our rain boots, grab our pail and shovel, then go for a short 30-second hike into the mountains (right behind our house). Oh, by the way, we tried to buy dirt at the nursery, but they didn’t have any to sell! I’m not used to that. I’m used to New Yorkers who will selling you anything you ask for. Oh well. We decide we’ll go digging for our own.

B, M and Dad digging for dirt in the mountains

B had enough. She said, “Dirty. Brooke wants to go home.” Just like that, she picks up her pail and goes home.

Dad and M keep going. M is using the smallest shovel you’ll ever find in the stores. Small yet mighty effective!

To be continued…

B Breaking an Egg

Okay, I admit, I’ve been holding out on you.

I’ve had this video for 6 months now. It was taken in October 2012 when B and M were 22 months old. This was the second time Brooke and Mackenzie made scrambled eggs. Since then, they’ve cracked and scrambled at least 100 eggs each and their skills are at a whole new level. I’m planning on posting a more recent video later on, so you can see the difference. 

On their 2nd birthday this past December, B, M and I shot a series of videos, highlighting 30+ activities you can do at home with your toddler. One of them is – you guessed it – making eggs! In the DVD, you will get a detailed view of the materials you need, where to buy everywhere, how to present an activity to your child and special considerations for each activity. For example, in the video about making eggs, I teach you how to teach your toddler to behave around an electric skillet, which is critical to doing this activity successfully! The DVD is still in production, but will be available shortly. So stay tuned!

Our New Playroom

I haven’t written in a while. The reason is because we just did a cross-country move, from Baltimore to Portland, OR. I’ve dragged the family with me (again) to pursue my Montessori training – this time for 3-6 years old – at the Montessori mecca of Portland. We are completely enamored with this city so, hopefully, this will be our last move in a while.

When we first arrived in early March, instead of living in a hotel, we decided to do a short-term rental. We ended up in a beautiful, four-story loft with 15-ft ceilings. The rental featured designer furniture like an L-shaped white leather couch, teak coffee table and Herman Miller chair. It also had a complete, top-of-the-line kitchen with an island and bar stools. It came straight out of a home decor magazine.

And we were miserable there.

I’d forgotten how hard it is to live in a home designed for adults. Our furniture did not arrive with us, so we had to live with the design of the home as is. Everything was high-up, so B and M couldn’t reach anything. About five times a day, we had to hold them up to the sinks, press their 35-pound bodies into the cold marble and wash their hands for them as quickly as possible (with huge protests, of course). At every meal, we had to lift them up onto the bar stool and then help them get off. And they started crying at my feet while I cooked dinner – that was behavior I hadn’t seen since we bought the Learning Tower 15 months ago! Even the beds were too high up for them to reach, so we had to help them get on when they came running into our room in the middle of the night (this always happens when we are in new environments). I couldn’t wait to move out of that modern, luxurious hell.

Two weeks after we arrived, we moved into a more permanent home up in the Sylvan Heights area of Portland. Our home is nestled in the woods, but just 5 minutes away from downtown Portland! We were so happy when our POD arrived. The girls’ eyes lit up as we started to unload their furniture. They couldn’t wait to sit in their little slatted chairs, help put toys on their shelves and climb on the Learning Tower. When we finally set up their work/play space, we all breathed a sigh of relief. They could sit down and work again. They could find their things again. They could clean up and put things back again. They could wash their own hands again. They can finally eat, sleep, play, bathe and go to the bathroom by themselves again. We were all so happy! If you have children and you’re still living in a home designed for adults, it’s time to think again. From 18 months and up, children should be able to reach everything they need independently. If you’re like me, your sanity – and lower back – will experience a huge difference. 

Now that our home is set-up, we are ready to take on anything! So bring on the new adventures, Portland!