“I don’t like it,” the 3-year-old muttered to herself as the guests left. Miserable throughout her older sister’s birthday party, she was now growing angry. “I want Ally’s doll, not this one!” Her parents had bought her a consolation present, but the strategy went down like a bomb. The girl threw her doll to the floor. “Ally’s doll! Ally’s doll!’ She began to cry…

“You seem sad. Are you sad?” is what the girl’s dad said. The little girl nodded, still angry, too. The dad continued. “I think I know why. You’re sad because Ally’s gotten all the presents. You only got one!’ The little girl nodded again.“ You want the same number and you can’t have it, and that’s unfair and that makes you sad.” The dad seemed to be pouring it on. “Whenever somebody gets something I want and I don’t, I get sad, too.” Silence.

Then the dad said the line most characteristic of a verbalizing parent. “We have a word for that feeling, honey,” he said. “Do you want to know what that word is?” She whimpered, “Ok” He held her in his arms. “We call it being jealous. You wanted Ally’s presents, and you couldn’t have them. You were jealous.” She cried softly but was beginning to calm down. “Jealous,” she whispered.” “Yep” Dad replied, “and it’s an icky feeling.” “I been jealous all day,” she replied, nestling into her daddy’s big strong arms.”

Excerpt from Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina, pg 207

I love this story. It makes so much sense. And it reminds me of Janet Lansbury’s recent article about acknowledging your child’s feelings.

When children fall or hurt themselves, I’ve seen parents pick them up and try to distract them with a toy or something new and shiny. Either the child keeps screaming or has a confused look on his/her face. When I feel hurt, I hate it when my friends try to get me to see a movie or have a drink. But when they say, “That’s hard. It is really tough to have that happen to you.” I always nod and say, “Yes, it IS hard!” Their simple acknowledgement makes me feel so much better.

Brooke and Mackenzie are 11 months now. Whenever one of them falls, gets hurt and starts crying, I’ll pick her up, hold her and then I say, “It hurts, honey. The word is ‘hurt.’ Can you say, “Mommy, that hurt!” It works like magic. A cry or two more and they are ready to crawl out of my arms and move on to the next thing.

One more thing, if you haven’t read Brain Rules for Babies, you must. If you have a baby or are around babies, read this book. To see other books I recommend, click here.

Q: My 10 month old wants my attention and presence all the time? What should I do?

A: Children imitate. If you act very busy and concentrate fully on what you are doing, they will do the same. Create a safe playing environment where you can leave them to play by themselves, connect them to a toy that they like, then leave them alone and concentrate on what you’re doing.

My mom, Ms. Lam, tells this story:  Maddy has been throwing tantrums everyday she comes to school and refuses to go into her classroom. Mom doesn’t want Maddy to feel abandoned, so she stays with her, trying to appease her. This goes on for two weeks with no end in sight. Finally Ms. Lam tells Mom: “Tomorrow, when you come to school, please bring a book to read or some knitting. When you come, sit outside the classroom door and start reading or knitting. No matter how much Maddy cries, just keep concentrating on what you’re doing and act very busy.  This way you have not abandoned her and at the same time, she will see you are busy. If she cries, let her know that it is okay for her to cry, but you are busy.” The mother took Ms. Lam’s advice and after three days of knitting, Maddy’s tantrums stopped completely and she started going to school without a fuss.

As I mentioned in Read! Nap! Cook!, don’t interrupt your child. Don’t look over and say, “Good job!” or “You’re such a good boy for playing by yourself!”every three minutes. Don’t even look directly at him. Observe him out of the corner of your eye to make sure he isn’t climbing the bookshelf, but otherwise, don’t let the child know you are looking at him or paying attention to him. Concentrate on what you are doing.

In my experience, I find that there are certain things that will hook a child’s attention no matter how hard I concentrate on it – the computer and the cell phone. When I’m on the internet or talking on the phone, they will inevitably come over and want my attention. Either they want my phone or want me to hold them. I don’t know why this is so, but try napping, cooking, reading a book, writing in a notepad or knitting!

Also, 10-month old is the age when babies are learning the concept of ‘Object Permanace.’ They are learning “people and things still exist even if I don’t see them.” If you start with him now, it will take about 4-5 months to fully grasp this concept. Giving him a toy like this will help him learn: Box with tray and ball. Another thing for you to do is to slowly go away and come back. Go away for 5 minutes and then come back to him, then go away for 10 minute and come back, etc. When you are not within his line of vision, say, “Mommy’s in the kitchen cooking!” or “Mommy’s in the bathroom cleaning the bathtub!” Let him hear your voice and know that you are there, even if he cannot see you. This will teach him that you haven’t disappeared if he doesn’t see you, which will lessen his anxiety about leaving you to explore on his own.

Some days I just don’t know what to feed my kids. Maybe other moms have the same problem so I thought I’d share today’s menu to inspire some new ideas. What was your menu-du-jour? Please share with us in the Comments session!

Breakfast

All organic ingredients: raspberries broken into little pieces, cut-up bananas, yogurt and a couple o’s

Lunch

Took left-over rice…

cooked in some water to soften the rice…

added some organic chicken soup I made for my husband and me the night before (in the best slow cooker)…

Rice with chicken soup, chicken thigh meat, and 1-inch pieces of steamed organic carrots

Dinner

Organic sweet potato baked for an hour at 400F. Open and serve.

Picture of the Day

Brooke approves of Mama’s cooking today!